What Is The Difference Between Dating & Courtship?

When I was at campus, I quickly learnt not to ask a girl out if I didn’t intend to start a serious relationship.

In my first year, I visited a girl from my fellowship at her hostel and the friends I found in the room told me she wasn’t there.

From that day, her friends began joking that I was interested in her. I wanted just a friend and not interested in her as a girlfriend because I wanted to socialize with girls more. I was trying to overcome my shyness with girls after four years in a boys’ boarding secondary school.

From that misunderstanding, I decided not to pick out or specialize on any girl among my friends or sisters at church. Throughout my campus days, I went out for a meal with only one girl who knew I was interested in another girl and she understood we were friends. We’re still friends today.

As we define dating and courtship, I am aware they mean different things to different people in different cultures and generations. But let’s give it a shot.

The general understanding of dating is when a boy and a girl go out on dates or outings and do activities together to know more about each without any commitment to marry.

On the other hand, courtship is going out with a person of the opposite sex, with the mutual intention, agreement and commitment of getting married when the time is right.

In both cases, the boy and the girl are no longer just friends. Those around them know they’re a couple.

The problem with dating is that one person on the date can think or assume they’re in a relationship that will lead to marriage because they’re in love while the other person is simply exploring and having a good time. In this situation, the one who develops a strong emotional and physical bond gets heartbroken when the other person ends the relationship.

I don’t like this sort of trial and error that plays with people’s hearts. It’s neither loving nor Christian. Why would a Christian go out several times with someone they know they won’t want to marry?

The golden rule of Christ says, “Do unto others as you would have them do unto you.” (Matthew 7:12)

Let me ask. Would you be happy if you found out the person you’re dating is using you to keep them company until they find the person they truly want to spend the rest of their life with?

Dating is a western and worldly concept that’s not found in the Bible. Christian singles should not live like that.

In fact, Paul counselled Timothy to treat young women in the church as sisters and with absolute purity. (1 Timothy 5:2)

Sadly, many boys and girls have lost their virginity in the name of dating, especially during the pagan celebration of valentine’s day.

Christian singles should pursue courtship instead. They can serve in the church, go on outings, camps, and fellowships as a group. This allows them to observe and know each other.

Anytime a boy and girl pull away from the bigger group and privatize their relationship, yet they’re not ready for marriage, trouble is around the corner. They’ve ceased walking in the light and what they’re doing in secret will lead to unpleasant consequences.

I usually challenge my single brothers that they should avoid specializing on a specific girl if he has no intention of marrying her. That’s why some churches discourage high school boys and girls from coupling or dating because they’re still young and may not have a clear picture of their identity and life purpose.

And many times, they’re motivated to start relationships because of the pressure to have a girlfriend or boyfriend and the pleasure of engaging in sexual intimacy.

Back to the brothers and sisters who are enjoying group friendship. When a brother, who is ready for courtship, sees a sister he appreciates and wishes to start a relationship with, he can make his intentions known to her. Right from the start, he is not asking her to be just a girlfriend or have a trial run with her. No.

Since they’re already friends, it’s easier to start a relationship (courtship) with marriage as the end goal. If the sister accepts the proposal, courtship has begun. They’re simply taking their friendship to another level openly and respectfully.

The beauty of courtship in a Christian context is that both sister and brother have the same values as regards sexual intimacy. Because they look forward to marriage, they can concentrate on knowing each other, building their friendship and saving sex for marriage.

It’s also wise not to start courtship without the knowledge of your parents and spiritual leaders. The relationship doesn’t have to be official to everyone, but it’s wise to confide in an older person about the journey the two of you have started on. It’s important to walk in the light and be accountable to a godly person who cares and prays for you. Please avoid doing things in secret!

When the courting couple is ready to wed in the months or years ahead, the brother will officially ask the sister to be his future wife, place an engagement ring on her finger and they’ll become officially engaged.

If you have any questions about love relationships that you’d like us to answer, please ask them in the comments below.

Thank you for reading this article. I welcome your comments and questions – as iron sharpens iron, let’s sharpen each other.

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