Time is The Currency Of Love|9 Pillars Of Building A Flourishing Family

Marriage is the most sacred relationship and family is the most important institution in the whole wide world.

On 26^th November 2016, Damalie glided down the green grass at Entebbe Zoo in her beautiful gown, her brother David on her left, with her right hand holding a microphone singing,

“When God made you, he must have been thinking about me.” The cool breeze of Lake Victoria refreshed all present as we said our vows to each other.

My joy was immeasurable.

God had answered our prayers.

About five months earlier, we had set the dates of our wedding by faith. We had no savings, but we felt it was our season to wed. Even my parents, who had just married off my younger sister in June of the same year, were sceptical about our financial ability to pull off two weddings in the same year.

But God provided for our wedding through the generous contributions of our parents, friends, and church members. What a beautiful and memorable wedding it was!

We’ve enjoyed life together for almost seven years now. Damalie is a wonderful wife, a woman of noble character. If God had only answered my insufficient prayers for a wife, I’d have sold myself short. Damalie is a blessing in many ways.

One thing I dreaded was marrying a nagging wife.

After our wedding, I waited for our first fight, nagging episode or prolonged denial of sexual intimacy that would knock me off balance, but none came.

Of course, I got some silent treatments in the first years of our marriage but they dried up after a while. Sometimes we disagree and annoy each other. I can’t say we have a perfect marriage but our commitment to make our marriage work is strong.

I am a fortunate man. Words can’t express the blessing of loving and living with someone you get along with.

That said, something else makes Damalie the most attractive woman in the world for me. That something makes me trust and respect her. Even when we disagree and I am unhappy with her and not-so-good thoughts flood my mind, when I remember she is a godly woman who fell in love with the Lord before I met her, I calm down. As long as she fears God and desires to please Him, and I do the same, then He’ll water our marriage with His grace, strength, wisdom and blessing.

Family Matters Less Nowadays

We live in a world that is increasingly taking family for granted. Spouses walk out of marriages without thinking twice. Parents are too busy making money or climbing the corporate ladder while housemaids, television, movies and social media disciple and mentor their children.

Because of this disconnect with parents, many children feel neglected, rejected and abandoned but can’t express it. Later, they grow to rebel against the authority of their parents, teachers, employers, spiritual leaders and governments.

This has led to an increase in depression, delinquency, self-destructive behaviours and detentions among the youth.

I’m A Survivor

I don’t know where I’d be if not for Christ and parents.

By 11 years old, I had already done crazy things.

Because my parents were rarely home during the day and the house helps could not contain me at home, I usually escaped to watch movies of Rambo and Commando in the local cinemas, went with my friends to watch football games at the national stadium and I remember one incidence of chasing dogs with stones through the banana plantations.

One time our family attended a home party and our friend stole money from his father’s room that we squandered at the shops. I bought a deck of cards and kept the rest of the money.

When we got home, my parents discovered the cash and interrogated me. They returned the money. I don’t recall what happened to my friends.

On other occasions, I remember stealing money from my mum and getting the beating of a thief. Another time neighbours reported me to my parents for throwing stones on their rooftops. And several times I engaged in staged fights with other boys. My upper lip has a scar from one of those fights.

One evening I came back from the salon with a cool haircut I had seen in a movie, only for my mum to tell me to go back and shave all the hair.

Clearly, I was a bad boy in the making. But God intervened.

Fortunately, at 11 years, my mother became a stay-at-home mum when we started living in another country where she could not work.

She prepared us for school in the morning and when we came back in the evening, we found a warm cup of millet porridge ready. As a trained schoolteacher, she didn’t spare the rod. She spanked me using any tool near her – shoes, belts, cooking spoons and sticks.

Her philosophy was if you get it right with the firstborn the rest of the kids will be easy to raise. I was blessed to have both parents growing up. And I’m grateful for keeping them alive till today. On 4^th September 2023, we celebrated their 40^th marriage anniversary.

I believe mum’s presence at home changed the trajectory of my life. Our dad was always the breadwinner and our mum, the caring, loving and ever-present house wife. Never did I see my parents argue or fight, perhaps they hid it from us. May the Lord reward them for giving us the best they knew how.

What Kind Of Family Are You Building?

We have little control over the family we grow up in but we can choose the family we want our children to grow up in.

Just as a huge building needs a deep and wide foundation, marriages that last must be built on a firm foundation.

Many struggles in marriages don’t crop up from nowhere. They begin long before our spouses meet, remain unresolved during courtship and they mature in marriage.

For this reason, a struggling marriage should examine the past to understand the present and make a plan for the future. For instance, some marriages are built on the foundation of fornication, infatuation, lies, unforgiveness. No wonder they don’t thrive.

Check out the articles on Love Smart Courtship Here.

Marriage Is A Test Paper And A Sand Paper

From the time you’re born till your wedding day, you’re being prepared for the tests of marriage that last the rest of your life. Some couples keep failing and retaking, others pass with flying colours.

Check out the article God Designed Marriage To Test You|The Divine Helper In Your Spouse

Marriage is also a sandpaper because it smoothens your rough edges and helps you become more like Christ, more loving, more patient and more serving.

My wife and I noticed that some of our newlywed friends decided for one of them to go work abroad. We know a few couples who separated permanently after many years apart. Because of that, we resolved to let nothing separate us for extended periods.

Did you know that the way we manage our families shows our true character and qualifies us for ministry? Apostle Paul says that a leader who manages his family well can manage God’s church well, too. (1Timothy 3:4-5)

It’s a great failure and tragedy when we neglect our spouses and children. They should come first before our jobs, ministry and all other relationships. The health of our family is an indication of our ability to serve others well.

Success or failure elsewhere begins in the family.

Children copy and paste what parents say and do. We’re their role models. We may compromise in small ways and get away with it but there is no guarantee our children will get away with it. That’s why working on our character is important not only for our good but also for the example of our families and others who follow us.

Nine Pillars Of A Flourishing Family

#1: Love & Submission

As Christians, we’re called to love and submit to one another as brothers and sisters in the Lord.

Just as we see submission in the relationship of the Trinity, we build strong marriages by laying down our rights and picking up the towel to wash each other’s feet through service.

The happiest couples compete to make the other happy. Even when your spouse is reluctant to do much for you, take the lead and be nice to them. Do it, not for their sake, but as unto the Lord.

Check out this article THE SIMPLICITY & DIFFICULTY OF MARRIAGE|How To Make Your Spouse Happy Without Doing Anything For Them

Blessed is the family that obey God’s instructions. (Ephesians 5:22 – 6:1-4)

Dear husband, love your wife as Christ loved the Church.

Dear wife, submit to your husband as the church submits to the Lordship of Jesus Christ.

Dear children, obey your parents for this is the only commandment with a promise.

This simple strategy is the key to building strong families. Individuals from such families are the building blocks of strong churches, companies, communities and countries.

#2: Study the Word & Pray Together

Ask God for grace and wisdom in the areas where you don’t know what to do. Pray for protection against the schemes and attacks of the evil one against your spouse and children.

Study the Word and pray together as a family daily. Please, parents, be intentional in discipling your children regarding the Christian faith – who is God, what is our identity in Christ, how does a Christian live, and why is Christianity different from other religions?

Check out articles on Spiritual Growth Here.

#3: Communicate Deeply, Honestly & Respectfully

Couples come from backgrounds that communicate differently. It may take time to understand each other well and live in harmony but it’s possible.

Agree not to shout or be rude to each other. I’ve found it helpful to open up about my struggles and what I feel when talking to my wife.

Family is the best place to speak from the heart and be heard, the safest place to give and receive correction and the place to praise, affirm and encourage each other with no strings attached.

#4: Meet The Emotional Needs Of Your Spouse

Men need respect, sex and significance while women need love, affection, care and conversation. The order may change for different people.

It’s paramount that you ask your spouse about their top three emotional needs, then do your best to meet those needs in the way they desire them met.

Dear husband, love her the way she desires to be loved not the way you want to love her!

Dear wife, respect your husband the way he wants to be respected not the way you think you should respect him.

It makes a big difference to know what makes your spouse happy and get to work!

#5: Invest In Personal Growth To Become A Better Person

Take care of yourself –body, mind and spirit. Maintain strong relationships with your siblings, parents, friends and brethren. Your spouse can’t fill all the voids in your life.

Do things you enjoy and ask for feedback from your spouse about the areas you need to improve. Otherwise, you may become stagnant and blame your spouse for your lack of growth, progress and happiness.

If you never had an opportunity to grow up in a stable and godly family, observe families you admire and take notes. Make friends with couples who are doing a great job with their families and learn from them. Read books and articles on marriage so your mind is prepared to build a flourishing family.

#6: Learn To Resolve Conflicts In A Godly Way

Name and settle conflicts as soon as they erupt. Be quick to forgive and keep no record of wrongs. It’s unwise to keep digging up the old mistakes and using them against someone.

Acknowledge your share of the blame in a conflict.

When pointing out the mistakes of your spouse, refrain from saying ‘you always….’, ‘you never…’ because it sounds like the situation is hopeless and the other person may opt for self-defence.

Instead, tell them how their action makes you feel. Rather than say “you never keep time,” say “I feel frustrated when you arrive or do things late.” Always try to make your statement truthful and specific.

If you ever fail to resolve your conflict, agree to involve a mature couple or go for marriage counselling. Some issues are beyond a couple’s ability to handle because they created them in the first place. Sometimes we need outside help, prayer and encouragement to resolve conflicts.

#7: Manage Your Finances Together

Money issues are one of the major causes of marriage conflicts and divorce.

For this reason, my wife and I decided before our wedding to combine our earnings and spend together. Everything I have is hers, and everything she has is mine.

Perhaps that may not be ideal for every couple but the bottom line is that money should not start World War Three in your marriage. After all, we’re simply stewards of the resources we have and we shall leave them behind when go home where we stored real treasures.

Check out articles on Money Stewardship Here.

#8: Play Your Role Unconditionally

Biblically, the husband is the provider, protector and teacher of the family. He is the head and spiritual leader or priest who submits and is accountable to Christ. That means when things go wrong in the home, he doesn’t point the finger at the wife or children. As the CEO, he ensures the family is taking the right direction according to the Word of God.

For instance, a husband should lament that the wife is not declaring or sharing the money she makes. She is a suitable helper but her actions should not stop him from doing his part. He has to provide the best he can. And if the wife contributes to that, it’s a bonus.

The wife is the caretaker of the home. She takes care of her husband, children and home. She is the vice president of the family and submits to her husband.

Unfortunately, conflicts arise when roles are mixed up in the home either because the spouses don’t know their roles or because they haven’t shared their expectations and agreed on who does what.

For instance, I know wives who insist their husbands must help in the kitchen, shower children, do laundry among other things. Well, that’s not his role. He can help where he can or he can pay someone to help the wife with the chores but he doesn’t have to prove his commitment to the family through doing chores in the home.

Note that God equipped each spouse to play their role in the family. When either tries to play the other’s role, they become frustrated, inefficient and stressed in the long run. The father can take care of a baby but may not do it as well as the mother would. A wife can provide for the home but that role may stress her or cause her to neglect the home.

But because of the times we live in, we have to be flexible in certain seasons of lives and be as helpful as we can even with each other’s roles.

My wife Damalie works and greatly contributes to the financial wellbeing of our family. In the season we’re in, she leaves for work early in the morning and I have to prepare our daughters, drop and pick them for school. And because we decided not to get a house help at the moment, we have to cook, clean the house and clothes ourselves.

I enjoy cooking and she does the washing. But some husbands may struggle to do certain chores because they hadn’t considered that or because they weren’t brought up doing them. That’s why it’s important to share expectations in courtship to minimize surprises in marriage.

In cases where a spouse is not helping you in your designated role, it’s fine. Don’t let that stress you. Do your role well and you might win them over. As a RIPE Christian, never let their failure cause you to fail too.

At the end of your life, God will demand an account of how you performed in your role, not theirs.

#9: Spend Quality Time Together

I believe the currency of love is time

Providing for the family is trapping many parents who end up harming and hurting the very ones they work hard for. A friend told me of a family where children and parents meet only on weekends because during weekdays, they leave home and return at different times.

We can make all kinds of excuses for not giving time to our children, but the truth remains; love is best expressed through the quality and quantity of time we spend together as a family.

We may buy our children all the toys, clothes, food they desire and even take them to the best schools in the land, but nothing can replace our presence in their lives.

Children need the active participation of both parents in their upbringing.

For example, busy parents send their children to boarding school even those in lower primary classes. Busy parents leave for the office early in the morning without seeing their children and come back home late when they’re asleep. Busy parents don’t help their kids with homework, don’t listen to their concerns and don’t get time to attend their school activities.

If you’re that BUSY (Being Under Satan’s Yoke), please STOP NOW.

Our children are in our care for a brief time. They need us most at the foundational years of their lives, from birth to the end of their teenage years. This is the time to shape their values, habits, relational skills, critical thinking and teach them God’s Word. If we neglect this divine duty, the wicked world will certainly succeed.

Something crucial has not dawned on some working parents; the companies we give most of our time can fire us and business will continue as if we were never there. But the time lost with our children can never be recovered.

We can’t delegate loving and raising our children. And why should we give our families leftover time and energy after giving the best to our employers, businesses or ministries? We need to make it up for our spouses and children before that opportunity is gone.

God Cherishes Families Because Of This

Listen to WHY God chose Abraham from among his people.

“I have singled him out so that he will direct his sons and their families to keep the way of the LORD by doing what is right and just. Then I will do for Abraham all that I have promised.” (Genesis 18:19)

Training our children in God’s ways is a sacred and great responsibility in the window of only a few years before our children grow up and move out of our homes to start their families.

“Train up a child in the way he should go, And when he is old he will not depart from it. (Proverbs 22:6) This training takes time, effort and intentionality.

It involves teaching, correcting and disciplining them. Some parents don’t like to spank or cane their children. If they don’t who will?

“Don’t fail to discipline your children. The rod of punishment won’t kill them. Physical discipline may well save them from death.” (Proverbs 23:13-14) That’s a sign that you love and care for a child.

Why?

Because “A youngster’s heart is filled with foolishness, but physical discipline will drive it far away.” (Proverbs 22:15)

Other parents don’t know the friends of their children and yet allow them to go for outgoings and sleepovers. In the Bible, the brother of Dinah’s friends raped her and the consequences were ugly. All the men in that city lost their lives on the same day. (Genesis 34)

Dear parent, peer pressure on children is real. It’s you against their friends. If you’re not alert, your children will drift away with the wrong crowd!

Do you know what your children are watching or listening to when you’re not around? Do you check the phones and social media platforms of your teenagers? Are you aware of what they are hiding in their bedrooms?

Please seize the opportunity to raise godly children. Some kids rebel in their teens because of neglect and emotional wounds or abuses they experienced in their younger years.

The big question is, shall we teach them what we haven’t learnt ourselves? Can we give what we haven’t received? Even the Israelites had to learn to fear God before teaching their children to fear God. (Deuteronomy 4:10)

Endeavour to spend time together in prayer, bible study and fun. Strong families make time for each other. Ensure you eat supper together with the TV off and phones aside.

Talk about the day and enjoy each other’s company. Prepare them for school and get fun activities to spend time together. Build sweet memories every chance you get.

Thank you for reading this article. I welcome your comments and questions – as iron sharpens iron, let’s sharpen each other.

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Unless otherwise indicated, all Scripture quotations are taken from the Holy Bible, New Living Translation, copyright © 1996, 2004, 2015 by Tyndale House Foundation. Used by permission of Tyndale House Publishers, Carol Stream, Illinois 60188. All rights reserved.

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